Friday, September 30, 2005
Can't Get Right
No matter the year, month or day, something fucks up when it comes to my stomach or my food. Today was alright until about 1pm. Then all shit broke loose. I need to stop eating so late. And when I do eat late, having fools put like three cups of cheese on my quesadilla ain’t so hot. It tastes so good, though! I just gotta say no. That mess tasted good, but didn’t feel so good. Anyway.
Tonight, I was just trying to get my meal on. I wanted a sandwich, but the voice of reason called to my attention that even if I got the sandwich I wanted (gotta love anything called the Italian) it would be about the same as some damn pizza in terms of healthyness. This is true. However, I wanted a sandwich. Then, a stroke of brilliance hit me and was like, “Yo, you want to go to that place that serves that real good pizza that we gotta drive to and shit?” And he was like, “Oooh yeah!”.
So we hustle to my car. Ok, it wasn’t fast at all but thinking about the hot pizza we were going to be having made my step a little bit lighter. No time for the ipod, we were on a mission. So we navigate through campus, down the street and pull on into the parking lot. Normally, there are about fifty-eleven cars in the lot. Today, there were like only eleven. So I thinking and wondering, “What’s the deal!?” We get out, saw some folks standing in front of the doorway when we pulled in. We knew this place was open. So we go up to the door. No lights on. No people. No pizza. And a giant ass industrial size sink sitting in the middle of the floor. Either they’re closed, or their shit for real includes the kitchen sink.
There was a sign on the door. Something in a mix of gibberish, Spanish and something I think might have been English. Needless to say, we could not decipher what had happened to the Mecca of pizza (I can’t currently think of any better pizza place, but this one’s pretty close). That mess sucked. I had been thinking the entire car ride over there about what I was gonna get. You don’t play with me and my food! If you like your eyes or your fingers, you better come correct. By the way, this includes not serving me mustard-and-ham sandwiches at a party after you asked me what I wanted. I said chicken fingers and other fried shit cot damn it, not sandwiches. I’m not on some country club shit, get me food that will make me fat! Anyway, so we struggled to figure out where we would go. It’s like in that movie “AI” where Haley “I see dead people” Joel Osment (whatever it is) was looking for that city of the blue queen or something. He gets all the way there to find out it doesn’t exist. That’s what this is like. Except we didn’t sit in our car for seven-hundred years and freeze. And we left to go find other food. Anyway, got in the car and went to the main road with food.
So there is like zero parking on this street unless you got mad quarters. Being the baller that I am, I only deal in Benjamins (or Washingtons…but who’s keeping score?), so I had no change. They need to install like cash or debit card machines on those things. They would get much more business. Anyway, so we went and tried to find a spot in some of those overpriced pay lots. The one I always use was full. You just let one person in and two people out, give me a spot! The red full sign said, “No fool!” so we had to go somewhere else. So five feet down the street, I see a parking deck with the gates all up. Free, free, free. Sounds hot to me. So I roll up, park the car and we walk to the second rate pizza place we still eat at despite all the shit we talk about it each time we leave. So some stupid shit went down, and made it one of the most uncomfortable and not fun meals in history. Not to mention the pizza was shit. Left the bitch in a hurry, with a not fly tip on the table. Those people are always so angry. Improve your food and maybe I’ll improve my tip and then maybe you can improve your smile. That is, of course, if you have teeth. The people that work at this place are mad sketchy, so no teeth wouldn’t surprise me. This might explain why they never look nice. Anyway.
So dinner was dookie, meaning it’s really [the] shit. We head back to the free parking deck. All the gates are down and someone who I will refer to as Small Red was occupying the gate box. So I roll all the way up to the gate, expecting it to open, cause you know I didn’t pay. Then I look at Small Red like, you got to be kidding me. I roll down the window and say, “Uh, I didn’t pay anything to park. All the gates were up.”
“That’ll be three dollars,” Small Red said as he dug that number out of his ass. Not even knowing how much their for real hourly charge is, I hand that fool my three dollars. So then I’m like, “Motherfucker, don’t be fucking with me. The gates were up. You wanna get cut!?”
Ok, not actually what I said, but kinda funny. But I did ask why the gates were up and nobody was there to take my money. He said he was in the bathroom. Now that I think about it, I can sympathize. My life goes on hold every time I gotta go. But dammmmmmnnnnnn (like Smokey from “Friday”), why you gonna charge me now? I still paid that fool. But don’t let me see you in the streets! I honestly do not ever remember what this man looks like other than small with red hair. Oh well. Turns out the damn pizza place moved. To an entirely different city. Oh well. They always took too damn long anyway.
I am mad ridiculous sometimes. Other folks (no names, but if you think this is you, it probably is) are ridiculous, too. I feel like admitting my ridiculousness is a good thing (but knowing you act ridiculously is not so good). Anyway, I’m trying to work on that. So we talked about the shit that was bothering a fool. Then I went and saw “Fever Pitch”. At best, it was okay. I really like Drew Barrymore. I really do. But something about this movie made me feel like I was watching a live-action cartoon (instead of the other way around like “The Flintstones” or some shit). Those SNL folks need to stop thinking they can carry movies alone. The thought behind this was nice: love and baseball. In theory it works, in for realness, not so much. It could’ve been better. Oh well, it was free!
So that’s been the night so far. I think a trek to a mysterious convenience store is forthcoming, but only time will tell. You know it’s bad when you’re jonesin for juice. Sobe is the shit, for real. Power is the one. Anyway, I hope to see that and something Mexican tonight. So a hootie hoo and peace out. You ain’t got to go home, but you better get the hell out of here! ¶ 11:15 PM
Tonight, I was just trying to get my meal on. I wanted a sandwich, but the voice of reason called to my attention that even if I got the sandwich I wanted (gotta love anything called the Italian) it would be about the same as some damn pizza in terms of healthyness. This is true. However, I wanted a sandwich. Then, a stroke of brilliance hit me and was like, “Yo, you want to go to that place that serves that real good pizza that we gotta drive to and shit?” And he was like, “Oooh yeah!”.
So we hustle to my car. Ok, it wasn’t fast at all but thinking about the hot pizza we were going to be having made my step a little bit lighter. No time for the ipod, we were on a mission. So we navigate through campus, down the street and pull on into the parking lot. Normally, there are about fifty-eleven cars in the lot. Today, there were like only eleven. So I thinking and wondering, “What’s the deal!?” We get out, saw some folks standing in front of the doorway when we pulled in. We knew this place was open. So we go up to the door. No lights on. No people. No pizza. And a giant ass industrial size sink sitting in the middle of the floor. Either they’re closed, or their shit for real includes the kitchen sink.
There was a sign on the door. Something in a mix of gibberish, Spanish and something I think might have been English. Needless to say, we could not decipher what had happened to the Mecca of pizza (I can’t currently think of any better pizza place, but this one’s pretty close). That mess sucked. I had been thinking the entire car ride over there about what I was gonna get. You don’t play with me and my food! If you like your eyes or your fingers, you better come correct. By the way, this includes not serving me mustard-and-ham sandwiches at a party after you asked me what I wanted. I said chicken fingers and other fried shit cot damn it, not sandwiches. I’m not on some country club shit, get me food that will make me fat! Anyway, so we struggled to figure out where we would go. It’s like in that movie “AI” where Haley “I see dead people” Joel Osment (whatever it is) was looking for that city of the blue queen or something. He gets all the way there to find out it doesn’t exist. That’s what this is like. Except we didn’t sit in our car for seven-hundred years and freeze. And we left to go find other food. Anyway, got in the car and went to the main road with food.
So there is like zero parking on this street unless you got mad quarters. Being the baller that I am, I only deal in Benjamins (or Washingtons…but who’s keeping score?), so I had no change. They need to install like cash or debit card machines on those things. They would get much more business. Anyway, so we went and tried to find a spot in some of those overpriced pay lots. The one I always use was full. You just let one person in and two people out, give me a spot! The red full sign said, “No fool!” so we had to go somewhere else. So five feet down the street, I see a parking deck with the gates all up. Free, free, free. Sounds hot to me. So I roll up, park the car and we walk to the second rate pizza place we still eat at despite all the shit we talk about it each time we leave. So some stupid shit went down, and made it one of the most uncomfortable and not fun meals in history. Not to mention the pizza was shit. Left the bitch in a hurry, with a not fly tip on the table. Those people are always so angry. Improve your food and maybe I’ll improve my tip and then maybe you can improve your smile. That is, of course, if you have teeth. The people that work at this place are mad sketchy, so no teeth wouldn’t surprise me. This might explain why they never look nice. Anyway.
So dinner was dookie, meaning it’s really [the] shit. We head back to the free parking deck. All the gates are down and someone who I will refer to as Small Red was occupying the gate box. So I roll all the way up to the gate, expecting it to open, cause you know I didn’t pay. Then I look at Small Red like, you got to be kidding me. I roll down the window and say, “Uh, I didn’t pay anything to park. All the gates were up.”
“That’ll be three dollars,” Small Red said as he dug that number out of his ass. Not even knowing how much their for real hourly charge is, I hand that fool my three dollars. So then I’m like, “Motherfucker, don’t be fucking with me. The gates were up. You wanna get cut!?”
Ok, not actually what I said, but kinda funny. But I did ask why the gates were up and nobody was there to take my money. He said he was in the bathroom. Now that I think about it, I can sympathize. My life goes on hold every time I gotta go. But dammmmmmnnnnnn (like Smokey from “Friday”), why you gonna charge me now? I still paid that fool. But don’t let me see you in the streets! I honestly do not ever remember what this man looks like other than small with red hair. Oh well. Turns out the damn pizza place moved. To an entirely different city. Oh well. They always took too damn long anyway.
I am mad ridiculous sometimes. Other folks (no names, but if you think this is you, it probably is) are ridiculous, too. I feel like admitting my ridiculousness is a good thing (but knowing you act ridiculously is not so good). Anyway, I’m trying to work on that. So we talked about the shit that was bothering a fool. Then I went and saw “Fever Pitch”. At best, it was okay. I really like Drew Barrymore. I really do. But something about this movie made me feel like I was watching a live-action cartoon (instead of the other way around like “The Flintstones” or some shit). Those SNL folks need to stop thinking they can carry movies alone. The thought behind this was nice: love and baseball. In theory it works, in for realness, not so much. It could’ve been better. Oh well, it was free!
So that’s been the night so far. I think a trek to a mysterious convenience store is forthcoming, but only time will tell. You know it’s bad when you’re jonesin for juice. Sobe is the shit, for real. Power is the one. Anyway, I hope to see that and something Mexican tonight. So a hootie hoo and peace out. You ain’t got to go home, but you better get the hell out of here! ¶ 11:15 PM
