SHAZZAM
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Dear Justin Timberlake,
I know we have never spoken, but I have known whom you are for quite awhile. I remember back when you had the curly fro and jammed out on the Mickey Mouse Club. Not that I have followed your career. I’ll be honest, however, you and the boys of N’Sync made some infectious music that has found its way onto my otherwise totally hip ipod (ok, I’m lying—I have a soft spot for Paris Hilton’s “Stars Are Blind”). Anyway, I really enjoyed “Justified”. And let’s face it, the Neptunes and Timbaland are amazing and they wrote you some hot songs. All that said, I heard about the new album coming and I got a bit excited. Especially since you’re back with Tim.
All that was good until I heard the strange “Sexyback”. I can’t decide if I like it or hate it. What is it supposed to sound like? And speaking of the Neptunes, did you mean to rip off Pharrell’s vocal style? It sounds like it could’ve been home on the ‘Tunes “Clones” album. Is it a mix of Missy Elliot’s “Lose Control” or “4 My People” that got you inspired? Justin, the thing about those songs is that they had identifiable hooks, verses, choruses, etc. Your new one sounds like a jumbled mess and only at times is it sonically pleasing. However, it does kind of make me want to dance, so I guess there is some hope for it. Can you please just make sure that the next one is better?
Speaking of the new album, I heard you were overseas promoting it and testing out some new songs. Along with tours comes promotional interviews, and ultimately this is what I want to address. Why announce to the world that you do drugs? You’re not a badass. And the public only finds you mildly interesting because you date Cameron Diaz, you once dated Britney Spears, and you were the guy who got off clean when you ripped off Janet Jackson’s bra. Dude, seriously, you do drugs? Ok. Cool. Thanks for the update. But why make an official-like announcement?
I can’t exactly relate to sniffing things, but yeah, we all get drunk sometimes. It may be cool to be drunk, but it’s something else to talk about it. The kids who would come to school Monday morning to rehash (no pun intended you pothead you) their weekend’s drunken debauchery were kind of cool, but we all really thought they were losers because their alcoholism became the content of every conversation. It’s like spending conspicuously. We don’t need to see the giant C’s on your Chanel sunglasses—we already you spend a shit-ton on expensive things. We just kind of assume it cost a lot. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, why tell us this?
If anything, it does kind of taint your otherwise spotless career (sans your moment of perversity a.k.a. Janet’s right boob). Do you know what people think of Pete Doherty? Or Whitney Houston? They do drugs, too man. Want to be like them? Telling us you sniff things and that heroine is less addictive than nicotine kind of gets you started on the path that Houston and Doherty have taken. Whitney’s only ever been caught with weed, so she too does her drugs in private. Maybe you guys could get high together? When your album bombs and you need Diane Sawyer and Dateline to set the record straight, and you ramble on about how dealers don’t have receipts for the $500,000 dollars worth of drugs you were purported to have purchased, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Dude, I really do hope that all these drugs are not a real issue for you. They are not cool and kind of illegal. You getting arrested would kind of hurt you, but really, it would be like seeing Suzanne Somers get arrested—we’d just kind of shake our heads in disappointment and wait for the E! True Hollywood story.
You telling us about your drug habit only makes me question who you have working for you that told you that it was a good idea. Maybe you guys share the same syringe.
Lay off the drugs and keep rockin our bodies man! We need folks like you to save us from the onslaught of ridiculousness that is kind of plaguing music right now. You know Cameron will never have your baby the low sperm count your drugs are giving you. You will never be able to sue another tabloid for taking pictures of your babies if you don’t have any!
Think about the money and your life. Do it right man.
Sincerely,
Me
All that was good until I heard the strange “Sexyback”. I can’t decide if I like it or hate it. What is it supposed to sound like? And speaking of the Neptunes, did you mean to rip off Pharrell’s vocal style? It sounds like it could’ve been home on the ‘Tunes “Clones” album. Is it a mix of Missy Elliot’s “Lose Control” or “4 My People” that got you inspired? Justin, the thing about those songs is that they had identifiable hooks, verses, choruses, etc. Your new one sounds like a jumbled mess and only at times is it sonically pleasing. However, it does kind of make me want to dance, so I guess there is some hope for it. Can you please just make sure that the next one is better?
Speaking of the new album, I heard you were overseas promoting it and testing out some new songs. Along with tours comes promotional interviews, and ultimately this is what I want to address. Why announce to the world that you do drugs? You’re not a badass. And the public only finds you mildly interesting because you date Cameron Diaz, you once dated Britney Spears, and you were the guy who got off clean when you ripped off Janet Jackson’s bra. Dude, seriously, you do drugs? Ok. Cool. Thanks for the update. But why make an official-like announcement?
I can’t exactly relate to sniffing things, but yeah, we all get drunk sometimes. It may be cool to be drunk, but it’s something else to talk about it. The kids who would come to school Monday morning to rehash (no pun intended you pothead you) their weekend’s drunken debauchery were kind of cool, but we all really thought they were losers because their alcoholism became the content of every conversation. It’s like spending conspicuously. We don’t need to see the giant C’s on your Chanel sunglasses—we already you spend a shit-ton on expensive things. We just kind of assume it cost a lot. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, why tell us this?
If anything, it does kind of taint your otherwise spotless career (sans your moment of perversity a.k.a. Janet’s right boob). Do you know what people think of Pete Doherty? Or Whitney Houston? They do drugs, too man. Want to be like them? Telling us you sniff things and that heroine is less addictive than nicotine kind of gets you started on the path that Houston and Doherty have taken. Whitney’s only ever been caught with weed, so she too does her drugs in private. Maybe you guys could get high together? When your album bombs and you need Diane Sawyer and Dateline to set the record straight, and you ramble on about how dealers don’t have receipts for the $500,000 dollars worth of drugs you were purported to have purchased, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Dude, I really do hope that all these drugs are not a real issue for you. They are not cool and kind of illegal. You getting arrested would kind of hurt you, but really, it would be like seeing Suzanne Somers get arrested—we’d just kind of shake our heads in disappointment and wait for the E! True Hollywood story.
You telling us about your drug habit only makes me question who you have working for you that told you that it was a good idea. Maybe you guys share the same syringe.
Lay off the drugs and keep rockin our bodies man! We need folks like you to save us from the onslaught of ridiculousness that is kind of plaguing music right now. You know Cameron will never have your baby the low sperm count your drugs are giving you. You will never be able to sue another tabloid for taking pictures of your babies if you don’t have any!
Think about the money and your life. Do it right man.
Sincerely,
Me
Labels: music
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