SHAZZAM
Monday, August 20, 2007
Am I too old, or just over it?
So for the past five (wow) years, I've been using AIM to keep friends updated of new blog posts, and just used it in general because it was the first way to stalk folks without them knowing. Now, I am never signed on. And I'm not updating my blog. What is going on?
I seriously have funny stories to tell. But I am rarely motivated enough to transcribe it all. And then when I do write something, I'm not on AIM for folks to know to check it. Perhaps I need a new method of advertising. Something. Either way--here's a new story, and it involves my favorite thing: bathrooms.
This past week, I was using the bathroom on an airplane. I used a tissue to pick up the seat, because who likes piss seats? I threw the piece of tissue in the toilet. And it sat there. Then I saw the sign about how they don't allow you to put waste into the toilet--other than poop or urine. And there was my tissue. MY TISSUE. The flight attendant saw me go in because I asked him if it was okay if I used it. He's going to know I am responsible if this toilet erupts and causes the plane to crash because you're not supposed to put tissue in the toilet. He would know it was me!
I did what all other responsible adults would do--grabbed another tissue, reached down in there and grabbed the original tissue. For someone afraid to touch piss toilet seats, does it make sense that I would reach into a public toilet to touch, well, anything? NO. And yet, that's what I did. All I could think about was "Knocked Up" and how the house full of dudes all got pink eye because they farted on each other's pillows--their eyes got in contact with fecal matter. Either way, I just stuck my hand in a public toilet and now my eyes were itching. I was doomed to have pink eye for life, all because I had to stick my hand in the toilet.
No pink eye for me, however. I made sure to use their antibacterial soap, in hopes it could rinse off the poop residue from my hand, and perhaps keep my eyes pink free. And I threw my paper towel into the weird paper waste hole in the wall. I returned to my seat and enjoyed "Waitress".
Later that night, my eye starts to bother me. I'm convinced it's swelling up, and that it's going to cause death. All because somehow poo particles made their way to my eye. And not just any old poo, but public poo. Something about it being public makes it disgusting. I've reached into my own toilet to grab stuff, but it's my waste! So, in actuality, it was not pink eye that was cause the weird swelling.
It was an eye pimple. Just my luck.
See, I told you that was funny.
I seriously have funny stories to tell. But I am rarely motivated enough to transcribe it all. And then when I do write something, I'm not on AIM for folks to know to check it. Perhaps I need a new method of advertising. Something. Either way--here's a new story, and it involves my favorite thing: bathrooms.
This past week, I was using the bathroom on an airplane. I used a tissue to pick up the seat, because who likes piss seats? I threw the piece of tissue in the toilet. And it sat there. Then I saw the sign about how they don't allow you to put waste into the toilet--other than poop or urine. And there was my tissue. MY TISSUE. The flight attendant saw me go in because I asked him if it was okay if I used it. He's going to know I am responsible if this toilet erupts and causes the plane to crash because you're not supposed to put tissue in the toilet. He would know it was me!
I did what all other responsible adults would do--grabbed another tissue, reached down in there and grabbed the original tissue. For someone afraid to touch piss toilet seats, does it make sense that I would reach into a public toilet to touch, well, anything? NO. And yet, that's what I did. All I could think about was "Knocked Up" and how the house full of dudes all got pink eye because they farted on each other's pillows--their eyes got in contact with fecal matter. Either way, I just stuck my hand in a public toilet and now my eyes were itching. I was doomed to have pink eye for life, all because I had to stick my hand in the toilet.
No pink eye for me, however. I made sure to use their antibacterial soap, in hopes it could rinse off the poop residue from my hand, and perhaps keep my eyes pink free. And I threw my paper towel into the weird paper waste hole in the wall. I returned to my seat and enjoyed "Waitress".
Later that night, my eye starts to bother me. I'm convinced it's swelling up, and that it's going to cause death. All because somehow poo particles made their way to my eye. And not just any old poo, but public poo. Something about it being public makes it disgusting. I've reached into my own toilet to grab stuff, but it's my waste! So, in actuality, it was not pink eye that was cause the weird swelling.
It was an eye pimple. Just my luck.
See, I told you that was funny.
Labels: Poop
¶ 11:28 PM 0 comments
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Included in the rent is a space heater...
Why, tell me why, is it in 2007 would someone advertising an apartment for rent (1) not have at least some kind of central heating system in the apartment and (2) include a space heater as part of the rent? Those things are dangerous, and kind of outdated. They might as well also include in the rent an ax and matches. Maybe I am too spoiled by modern technologies like central heat and air, dishwashers, and garbage disposals, but I feel those things are necessary as any kind of habitating human in 2007. I wonder if this person with the space heater-needing apartment wonders why their apartment is still for rent...? Urgh. I guess I am destined to live in the suburbs for the rest of my life. Or at least until I am making enough money to afford one of those phat downtown lofts that are the size of the suburb apartment but at like $500,000 more. I'll cross that bridge if I come to it, ya dig.
Labels: random
¶ 3:26 PM 0 comments
Friday, July 06, 2007
Things I'm feeling right now...
- Hate all you want. Kelly Clarkson's new album is pretty good. Yes, several of the songs involve her bitterness and seething, but there are some gems, too (How I Feel, Don't Waste Your Time, and Maybe--the whole album is great, but these could be the major singles). I love you Clive, but give your girl a chance!
- These two videos.
- After drinking Coke Zero and Diet Mountain Dew, I am back to drinking regular Coke. And it is nice. I am worried that my teeth might fall out because Coke (...and really most sodas) is full of sugar, but I'm using flouride, and I'm flossing, so hopefully I'm good.
- Going home. I haven't been home in a miiiinute, so I am very much looking forward to getting out of town, seeing my people, and chilling out. Even though I'll have to do some work while I'm there, it'll be pretty nice to be home and doing it.
- Oh, and another album that's pretty good. I won't say it's nearly even as good as KC's, but Kelly Rowland's new one is pretty good. Mathew Knowles, again, gives her the second place treatment and doesn't bring in the big doggs (Swizz Beats, the Neptunes, Rich Harrison, etc) to give Rowland a slickly produced sound, but there are several songs on this album that are nice: "Still In Love With My Ex," "Every Thought Is You," and "Better Without You." "Come Back" sounds like a poor man's "My Love"--it's a pretty blatant copy. And the lyrics are dumb. And that's not to say that Beyonce is know for her lyrical prowess (I'm pretty sure she reveled in the glow of "Bootylicious"), but this song is not very good. However, it is the first half of the album that is kind of lame, and it picks up in the second half. That is, until she hits you with, "This Is Love." This. Is. Crap. I just read a review today that compared Kelly's album to Destiny's Child from a few years back. I'd say I have to agree--meaning, that this would've been hot three or four years ago because it sounds like a throwaway DC album. Ugh. We'll see how this goes the second time around.
- I got a refund for a Half.com purchase that never arrived. That's exciting. eBay has a good customer protection plan, so if you get jacked you're covered. Thank god.
- I think I may have a funny story to post later. If I can get some real work done today, then I'll take some time and write it. It could be worth the wait.
Peace. ¶ 11:47 AM 0 comments
- These two videos.
- After drinking Coke Zero and Diet Mountain Dew, I am back to drinking regular Coke. And it is nice. I am worried that my teeth might fall out because Coke (...and really most sodas) is full of sugar, but I'm using flouride, and I'm flossing, so hopefully I'm good.
- Going home. I haven't been home in a miiiinute, so I am very much looking forward to getting out of town, seeing my people, and chilling out. Even though I'll have to do some work while I'm there, it'll be pretty nice to be home and doing it.
- Oh, and another album that's pretty good. I won't say it's nearly even as good as KC's, but Kelly Rowland's new one is pretty good. Mathew Knowles, again, gives her the second place treatment and doesn't bring in the big doggs (Swizz Beats, the Neptunes, Rich Harrison, etc) to give Rowland a slickly produced sound, but there are several songs on this album that are nice: "Still In Love With My Ex," "Every Thought Is You," and "Better Without You." "Come Back" sounds like a poor man's "My Love"--it's a pretty blatant copy. And the lyrics are dumb. And that's not to say that Beyonce is know for her lyrical prowess (I'm pretty sure she reveled in the glow of "Bootylicious"), but this song is not very good. However, it is the first half of the album that is kind of lame, and it picks up in the second half. That is, until she hits you with, "This Is Love." This. Is. Crap. I just read a review today that compared Kelly's album to Destiny's Child from a few years back. I'd say I have to agree--meaning, that this would've been hot three or four years ago because it sounds like a throwaway DC album. Ugh. We'll see how this goes the second time around.
- I got a refund for a Half.com purchase that never arrived. That's exciting. eBay has a good customer protection plan, so if you get jacked you're covered. Thank god.
- I think I may have a funny story to post later. If I can get some real work done today, then I'll take some time and write it. It could be worth the wait.
Peace. ¶ 11:47 AM 0 comments
Monday, June 11, 2007
Five most recently played songs.
- Arctic Monkeys, "Fake Tales of San Francisco"
- Kelly Price, "As We Lay"
- Dave Matthews Band, "Where Are You Going"
- Bjork, "Aeroplane"
- John Mayer, "Bigger Than My Body"
Source: http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2007/06/spot_inspection.html ¶ 6:27 PM 0 comments
- Kelly Price, "As We Lay"
- Dave Matthews Band, "Where Are You Going"
- Bjork, "Aeroplane"
- John Mayer, "Bigger Than My Body"
Source: http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2007/06/spot_inspection.html ¶ 6:27 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
American Idol - The Finals
I seriously voted like 12 times for Jordin tonight. If she doesn't win, I'll be quite upset and disappointed. It might rank up there with Dubya being reelected. Ok, I can't equate beatboxing and Iraq, but...Blake was awful tonight. He stands zero to little chance of winning. Even after his lame attempt at bringing "You Give Love a Bad Name" back, he wasn't fresh nor awesome. The redux wasn't quite as good as the first time we heard it. And, wow, another Maroon 5 song this week. He's got some image issues, both musically and stylistically (stop the argyle insanity!) to work out if he wants to not end up like Diana DeGarmo.
If anything, tonight's final showed that Granny Doolittle deserved to be in the final to give us something to talk about. I think the only thing we have to talk about tomorrow morning is if we can expect a Clarkson-like breakdown at tomorrow night's announcement that Jordin Sparks is the American Idol. And it's not even that Blake's shittiness helped make a mediocre night for Jordin a little brighter. She killed it. All three songs were great. I was like WTF when Ryan said she'd be doing Christina Aguilera's "Fighter" but I think Jordin wanted to make up for her awkward attempts at non-ballads thus far this season, and she showed she can do more than just pageant performances. And then she blasted us away with the Martina McBride song. Ok, I will say she needs to learn how to move more than just anything above her shoulders. She's so immobile, but when they close-up on her face, she looks like she's so into it. Move a little!
The final song, which will go down with the other cheesy finalist singles ("A Moment Like This," "I Believe," and that weird one Carrie Underwood did about being inside your love or something), was as cheesy and melodramatic as it should be. Jordin delivered the performance we have come to expect from American Idol finalists. Blake could've fooled me into thinking this was the top 32 show and he was vying for a spot in the top 12.
I might not have been watching all season, but I think I tuned in right as it got good. I didn't have to sit through Shitjaya. I was beginning to think this season would be a complete waste of time. And until last week, I was thinking that I was so wrong. Then Melinda got booted. Yet, I think even though this final was completely one-sided, it did show that Jordin is the most deserving of the title of those singers that are left.
Blake never stood a chance.
¶ 11:59 PM 0 comments
If anything, tonight's final showed that Granny Doolittle deserved to be in the final to give us something to talk about. I think the only thing we have to talk about tomorrow morning is if we can expect a Clarkson-like breakdown at tomorrow night's announcement that Jordin Sparks is the American Idol. And it's not even that Blake's shittiness helped make a mediocre night for Jordin a little brighter. She killed it. All three songs were great. I was like WTF when Ryan said she'd be doing Christina Aguilera's "Fighter" but I think Jordin wanted to make up for her awkward attempts at non-ballads thus far this season, and she showed she can do more than just pageant performances. And then she blasted us away with the Martina McBride song. Ok, I will say she needs to learn how to move more than just anything above her shoulders. She's so immobile, but when they close-up on her face, she looks like she's so into it. Move a little!
The final song, which will go down with the other cheesy finalist singles ("A Moment Like This," "I Believe," and that weird one Carrie Underwood did about being inside your love or something), was as cheesy and melodramatic as it should be. Jordin delivered the performance we have come to expect from American Idol finalists. Blake could've fooled me into thinking this was the top 32 show and he was vying for a spot in the top 12.
I might not have been watching all season, but I think I tuned in right as it got good. I didn't have to sit through Shitjaya. I was beginning to think this season would be a complete waste of time. And until last week, I was thinking that I was so wrong. Then Melinda got booted. Yet, I think even though this final was completely one-sided, it did show that Jordin is the most deserving of the title of those singers that are left.
Blake never stood a chance.
¶ 11:59 PM 0 comments
