Thursday, October 06, 2005
The light at the bottom of the pool
I am not afraid of water. I like pools, beaches and showers. Sometimes, I even put my head under (only with the necessary equipment, however, like nose clips). I do not put my face in if I don’t have to or don’t want to. I like to keep my shit in the three-foot section. I like to bob around. No diving, being all up in the deep end. I prefer my swimming low key. In fact, you may not even call it swimming. I guess you could say I wade in the water. That is where I stand when it comes to me and pools. I like to feel the bottom of the pool under my feet. I like the wall within grasping distance. So when it came time for me to take the swim test, I had some trepidation. But I was confident I would pass.
So they corral us like beef, picking random people to go. I was in a group of three. With the other two folks in one lane, it left me alone in lane two. That was cool. I didn’t really want to attempt any fake-ass conversation with folks I had never talked to before. Prior to the starting line, I had mad urination to attend to. Twice. Also, after time number two, I was going back to the pit of hell water and was accosted by a naked old man. Ok, not necessarily accosted, but as soon as he turned around, it was all hanging there. Grandpa, I don’t want to see that any more than Pearl does. Go into a shower stall or something! Anyway, I go back out to the pool.
I’m standing there, watching these fools. They make it look so easy. It’s only five minutes, I can do this! Next thing I know, it’s time for me to do this. I’m standing on the edge of the pool. I’m talking to the guy next to me. I don’t really remember much of the conversation other than that he offered to also hold his nose when he jumped in. That was nice of him. After this jumping in, I kind of lose awareness of everything else going on around me. It all started out so well.
I jump in, hand firmly holding both nostrils tight. It was kind of hard to get a good hold on my nose because I’ve been using mad lotion and shit to not have my face be so dry, but it worked. I make it back up to the surface, avoiding touching the bottom because that would result in failure. I wasn’t about to fail this bullshit. I may not swim like, you know, a swimmer, but I can hang in the water for five minutes. I’m doing my version of the freestyle stroke. I make it to one end. By the way, this pool is originally an Olympic size pool, but they made it half. So I make it half way, touch the wall. Everything’s going good. I make it back to the other end. I ask the two folks next to me if we’re supposed to touch the wall when we come back. They said yes, so I gave that wall a nice rub. Three minutes the guy said. Three minutes and this bad boy would be over. I knew it would be easy.
So, for the next three minutes, I decide to tread water. Probably the worse mistake of my life. Every muscle in my body was struggling to keep my head above water. Man, how was that girl talking to other people and doing flips and shit? I’m floating, or something, here about to pass out. Two minutes. I wanted to count the seconds down, but all I could think about was how my lungs were collapsing and I would be the first person to die taking the swim test. I know, I know. They have lifeguards, I wouldn’t have died. But there were so many people standing around, watching me flounder all up in the water. I think I would’ve been better off dead than as the guy who survived looking a damn fool during the swim test. Down to a minute. I know it doesn’t seem like that long, but this shit was straight eternity. All I could think about was that I must survive this. There has got to be some way I can make it. I was also thinking how fucking absurd it is that this is required for graduation and that my ass came to learn and not to die in a fucking pool for a test that no other school requires. If bitches drown, it’s their fault! You forcing me to take this test does not equate me having knowledge of proper swim technique or survival skills. I can’t float on my back, so I would’ve been a goner, but it would’ve been my own fault! This is why I hang out in sections of water where I can touch the bottom. It’s not cheating motherfuckers; it’s keeping it very real!
Down to thirty seconds. Everything is tensed up at this point. Still can’t breathe and I keep getting water in my mouth, because inch by inch my head is being overtaken by the chlorinated hell. Strange breathing noises come out of me. I didn’t know I was capable of such weird noises. I was thinking this is what it sounds like when swimmers die (sing to “When doves cry” and it’s funny). I start making my way over to the wall. If they need to pull me out, at least this way there won’t be that far for them to drag my drowned ass. Ten seconds. One of the official folks on the side tells me to make bigger motions with my arms. That’s cool. I do it. Then I go under. Nose full of chlorine. Normally that shit burns like hell, but my body made no reaction because it was so tensed up in response to my impending death that it had more important shit to be doing. I grab the wall. No clue how many seconds left. I know I failed. It was over. I still can’t breathe. Get out of the pool they yell to us. Fool, don’t you see I’m on the verge of death!? Give me a fucking second. I thought this one guy was coming over to see, you know, if I was alive. Nope, he was just lining up for his execution, er, turn at the swim test. I hold on the wall nearly all the way to the ladder. Nope, still can’t breathe. Must get out of pool. Make sure you avoid all eye contact with potential people who might say something. I have no clue what my face was saying but it was probably, “Good lord…” I made it to the wall where my stuff was. Fuck drying off, I’m trying to breathe man! The breathes are coming short and quick. Not enough to do anything. The girl who saw me grab the wall goes and talks to my teacher. Yep, I failed. I will have to put my body through this torture again. And for what!? He starts filling out the you-pass-cards. Nope, I won’t be getting one. Then he walks over. I’m looking at him, expecting him to be like, “We’re offering this again in November. You can come back then.” He hands me a card. Holy shit. I’m alive and I passed.
In all the agony I survived, I passed. I did not think it would be this hard. Now, my head was splitting like something insane. And I’m shaking. And I still can’t breathe. I go up to my room and sit. If I hadn’t died in the pool, death was certainly imminent now. This was too much. After some consulting, I end up at the health center. What’s your symptoms? Uh, I have a headache and I’m shaky. She looks at me like, “Okay-kay-kay.” I go see the doctor. My heart was still kind of racing, but she says I’m ok. Runs a neurological test on me. I felt like one of those drunken folks on the side of the road. Had to walk in a straight line and touch my finger to my nose. It was kind of funny. The med student was cute, too. Tell your friends to get with my friends and we could be friends. So that’s how the story goes. I don’t see me going to a pool for a while now. Unless it involves three feet of water and my feet on the bottom.
So they corral us like beef, picking random people to go. I was in a group of three. With the other two folks in one lane, it left me alone in lane two. That was cool. I didn’t really want to attempt any fake-ass conversation with folks I had never talked to before. Prior to the starting line, I had mad urination to attend to. Twice. Also, after time number two, I was going back to the pit of hell water and was accosted by a naked old man. Ok, not necessarily accosted, but as soon as he turned around, it was all hanging there. Grandpa, I don’t want to see that any more than Pearl does. Go into a shower stall or something! Anyway, I go back out to the pool.
I’m standing there, watching these fools. They make it look so easy. It’s only five minutes, I can do this! Next thing I know, it’s time for me to do this. I’m standing on the edge of the pool. I’m talking to the guy next to me. I don’t really remember much of the conversation other than that he offered to also hold his nose when he jumped in. That was nice of him. After this jumping in, I kind of lose awareness of everything else going on around me. It all started out so well.
I jump in, hand firmly holding both nostrils tight. It was kind of hard to get a good hold on my nose because I’ve been using mad lotion and shit to not have my face be so dry, but it worked. I make it back up to the surface, avoiding touching the bottom because that would result in failure. I wasn’t about to fail this bullshit. I may not swim like, you know, a swimmer, but I can hang in the water for five minutes. I’m doing my version of the freestyle stroke. I make it to one end. By the way, this pool is originally an Olympic size pool, but they made it half. So I make it half way, touch the wall. Everything’s going good. I make it back to the other end. I ask the two folks next to me if we’re supposed to touch the wall when we come back. They said yes, so I gave that wall a nice rub. Three minutes the guy said. Three minutes and this bad boy would be over. I knew it would be easy.
So, for the next three minutes, I decide to tread water. Probably the worse mistake of my life. Every muscle in my body was struggling to keep my head above water. Man, how was that girl talking to other people and doing flips and shit? I’m floating, or something, here about to pass out. Two minutes. I wanted to count the seconds down, but all I could think about was how my lungs were collapsing and I would be the first person to die taking the swim test. I know, I know. They have lifeguards, I wouldn’t have died. But there were so many people standing around, watching me flounder all up in the water. I think I would’ve been better off dead than as the guy who survived looking a damn fool during the swim test. Down to a minute. I know it doesn’t seem like that long, but this shit was straight eternity. All I could think about was that I must survive this. There has got to be some way I can make it. I was also thinking how fucking absurd it is that this is required for graduation and that my ass came to learn and not to die in a fucking pool for a test that no other school requires. If bitches drown, it’s their fault! You forcing me to take this test does not equate me having knowledge of proper swim technique or survival skills. I can’t float on my back, so I would’ve been a goner, but it would’ve been my own fault! This is why I hang out in sections of water where I can touch the bottom. It’s not cheating motherfuckers; it’s keeping it very real!
Down to thirty seconds. Everything is tensed up at this point. Still can’t breathe and I keep getting water in my mouth, because inch by inch my head is being overtaken by the chlorinated hell. Strange breathing noises come out of me. I didn’t know I was capable of such weird noises. I was thinking this is what it sounds like when swimmers die (sing to “When doves cry” and it’s funny). I start making my way over to the wall. If they need to pull me out, at least this way there won’t be that far for them to drag my drowned ass. Ten seconds. One of the official folks on the side tells me to make bigger motions with my arms. That’s cool. I do it. Then I go under. Nose full of chlorine. Normally that shit burns like hell, but my body made no reaction because it was so tensed up in response to my impending death that it had more important shit to be doing. I grab the wall. No clue how many seconds left. I know I failed. It was over. I still can’t breathe. Get out of the pool they yell to us. Fool, don’t you see I’m on the verge of death!? Give me a fucking second. I thought this one guy was coming over to see, you know, if I was alive. Nope, he was just lining up for his execution, er, turn at the swim test. I hold on the wall nearly all the way to the ladder. Nope, still can’t breathe. Must get out of pool. Make sure you avoid all eye contact with potential people who might say something. I have no clue what my face was saying but it was probably, “Good lord…” I made it to the wall where my stuff was. Fuck drying off, I’m trying to breathe man! The breathes are coming short and quick. Not enough to do anything. The girl who saw me grab the wall goes and talks to my teacher. Yep, I failed. I will have to put my body through this torture again. And for what!? He starts filling out the you-pass-cards. Nope, I won’t be getting one. Then he walks over. I’m looking at him, expecting him to be like, “We’re offering this again in November. You can come back then.” He hands me a card. Holy shit. I’m alive and I passed.
In all the agony I survived, I passed. I did not think it would be this hard. Now, my head was splitting like something insane. And I’m shaking. And I still can’t breathe. I go up to my room and sit. If I hadn’t died in the pool, death was certainly imminent now. This was too much. After some consulting, I end up at the health center. What’s your symptoms? Uh, I have a headache and I’m shaky. She looks at me like, “Okay-kay-kay.” I go see the doctor. My heart was still kind of racing, but she says I’m ok. Runs a neurological test on me. I felt like one of those drunken folks on the side of the road. Had to walk in a straight line and touch my finger to my nose. It was kind of funny. The med student was cute, too. Tell your friends to get with my friends and we could be friends. So that’s how the story goes. I don’t see me going to a pool for a while now. Unless it involves three feet of water and my feet on the bottom.
Labels: School
¶ 6:03 PM
